When I know he never want me

Should i wait longer ? Should i give my heart ? Why im being such a stupid? I truly love him. Everyday, i keep reminding myself that he will come to me and say the same things. But, the thing doesn't goes as i expected it will be. 

4th of November, i return home and after 2 years not meeting him. I was so excited. Excited like really excited. We've planned to meet on that Saturday. Before that day, i'm truly excited and feel so lovely. Feel like i'm falling in love again. We talk, video call and text. I know he's busy and not have 24/7 to be there for me. I understand. Never argue about not getting much of intention. I'm trying to be understanding. He made me feel butterfly, every time. 

That day have come, we supposed meet, unfortunately, it not happening. We not meet. The date cancel because of small things. Never mind. There's another day that. Not more but still have. 

Still. we didn't meet for the date. Last day at hometown, hoping to meet him. I went to his house to give his birthday present. Yeap, we met. We go out for few minutes. Not long but huge for me. Happy, yes iam. We talk. But its turn out to be my sad day ever. I ask for serious question. We didn't declare for serious relationship, that day i ask him. Did he serious with me ? I looking at him and hoping for happy ending. Its turn out to be something i hate. He didn't say he want me. He didn't say he doesn't want me. If we meant to be together we will be. He was just put it on the fact. Sounds like he push me. 

My heart broke. Its broken. Thousand pieces like glass drop. Yeah its really hurt like im gonna die that day. Pressure on my head. Is this real? He said, if you find someone better than him, just go. what the hell im gonna with that. Should i be happy or says okey. No No No ! Hell no, I love him and he said i can be with someone else. My eyes hold the tears. 

That night when i arrived, i feel so down. Since that day, I cry ! Every night ! People thought i'm sick, but not its because i cry every single night. I keep remind myself to move on. How can i move on. I love him for almost more than 7 years since i met him at high school. I just want to be happy with him.

Should i wait for another 5 years. Is it worth to wait? I don't want to lose him. I just want to be with him. I want to stand right next him. He love me or not? To be honest, my heart says, "I love him".

Its hurt. Its pain. My head, my eyes, my hearts. Pain. Pain. I hate myself for hoping him to come to me. 

p/s: if you read this. I'll let you know, my love never stop. But when i'm tired and you still didn't show the effort. Okey, i will let the feeling go and close my heart. 

 -NS- 

Life as an adult

 Assalamualaikum dear reader, 

Two years past geng, a lot of things happen lately kan? Never imagine living with virus that able to change a lof of things. Change our life to something else. Wear mask, social distance, MCO, WFH, and more more and more. Stressful juga la kan dengan new norms ni. But, this is it. Nak taknak kene hadap. Paling sakit bila jauh dgn family lama-lama. Painful wei. Alhamdulillah, dah bole rentas. Lepas umum je sis terus plan balik kg jumpa parents, atuk nenek. Sedara-sedara yg dekat sana pun jumpa juga. Two years raya dekat KL tanpa family yg klau boleh every years raya sekali. Sedih gila. 

Okey. Back to main topic. 

Tough gila hidup adult ni. Dulu masa kecik-kecik sibuk nk hidup sendiri konon. Ni dah keje, duduk sendiri baru kau tau rasanya. Rasain loooo.  Hahahah. Yang paling pishang, gi keje balik keje , gi keje balik keje. Tu je la routine weekday. Tu la masa belajar taknak enjoy. Now, menyesal. Korang mcm mn ? yg dah dewasa tu, yang dah plan-plan nak kahwin. Apa perasaan korg? Sis tak tau nak feel apa hahah. mungkin keje sis ni tak cukup fun. Kira belum rasa sesuai lagi. Maybe after few years dpt keje yg sesuai dgn minat, mungkin la best sikit. Now, sis mula dari bawah. Keje clerk je. Ya clerk je. Experience kan, bukan senang nak dpt. Insyaallah, sis yakin dengan rezeki dan perancangan Allah.

Yang tanya-tanya bila nak kahwin. Sabar jap. Kita bagi member-member kita kahwin dulu. huhu. Next-next baru sis pulak. Nak buat mcm mn dah ada calon, tapi calon tak ready. Takpe, ada jodoh kahwin la kita. 

Maaf la reader-reader semua, sis dah lama tak post blog ni. Nowadays pun org tak into blog blog ni, org more to Vlog. Takpe takpe, sis suka-suka je blog ni. Bila rajin je la kot nak sembang sini. Tah ada tah tak org baca ni hah. 

Apa-apa pun, hope semua yg baca ni, sihat and stay strong with new norms. Tough tapi Insyaallah ada pelangi selapas hujan. Love ya all. 

Lots of love.

-NS-